


Never Alone

by SooSooDyo (Phinphin)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: And Sulay, Asexuality, First Dates, Fluff, M/M, a tiny bit of hurt/comfort, side baekyeol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-04 00:32:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13352739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phinphin/pseuds/SooSooDyo
Summary: Kyungsoo struggles to love when Jongin steps into his life





	Never Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> here is a short (Lol 9k) little fic I've been working on for a little while and decided that Kaisoo would be a good day to finally publish it. As asexual myself It is a topic that is close to heart so I hope to spread some perspective into how dating might be as an asexual. Of course like any sexuality it's different for everyone so this is just one angle. I hope you like it! 
> 
> Happy Kaisoo Day!

Kyungsoo wasn’t one for dating. He hadn’t really ever been. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to have someone to date. It would be very nice but he wouldn’t exactly say he was missing a partner. His lack of dating was more because he didn’t really understand how to go about doing the whole thing. 

Growing up he had been absolutely sure he had _everything_ nailed down for dating, he was a hopeless romantic at heart after all, but as he started dating he realized that no matter how hard he tried it never really worked out in his favour. 

He had his first girlfriend at 15 and while he thought it had been going well she had broken up with him after two months and a frustrated argument of how Kyungsoo was immature and how he wouldn’t treat her right. After a few months of frustrated contemplating and a few slurs thrown after him Kyungsoo came to the conclusion that he was gay.

So after graduating high school and getting into university he dared explore the small gay community. He had given dating a second chance and the first date always went well. Kyungsoo and his date hit it off, they shared a nice kiss or two or maybe some cuddling and parted. After that it always felt like Kyungsoo didn’t get the memo of what he was suppose to do. Because he continued on with what felt right, sharing more of himself, trying to get to know his date, but his dates always either distanced themselves or jumped several steps forwards in the dating process. 

All in all he ended up alone in the end, hurt and angry with himself for just not getting how it was done. He guessed he always knew where the problem lay but it still took an embarrassingly long time for him to figure it out. 

Asexuality. He had first heard the term in biology and not until he was 20 did he figure out how the term was relevant to him. It wasn’t even he who discovered it. It was an old school friend he had since broken contact with who ranted over this ‘new fake’ sexuality wanting to be a part of the LGBTQ-community who had told him about it. Back then he had been told it was ‘when you didn’t want to have sex’ and while that was far from the true definition it did strike a chord with Kyungsoo. 

Because he really didn’t want to have sex. 

That was what the problem had been all along. He liked kissing, he liked holding hand, he loved cuddling, but he didn’t ever really want to have sex. And it wasn’t really like not wanting to, it was more like a lack of wanting to. He didn’t really see the point. He felt more than happy with the other parts of a relationship. 

He had ended up having sex, of course. Because how could he not when he spent 3 years despising the asexual part of himself for not letting him experience relationships the way he was ‘supposed to’. So he had forced himself to. Forced himself to let his partner take control over it all and while sex in itself wasn’t exactly bad it was just. Really sweaty. And kind of awkward. And maybe a little boring after a while. And it made him hate himself. 

So after coming to terms that he couldn’t just jump start his sexual attraction by getting laid despite several tries to do so he decided to accept the fact that his dreams of growing old next to someone was just not supposed to happen. He would just have to get some really nice friends and hope by some miracle one morning he would wake up and be normal. 

So no, Kyungsoo wasn’t one for dating. Yet here he was, sitting at a cafe with his stomach in knots and waiting for yet another date to disappoint. He didn’t understand how Chanyeol and Baekhyun had roped him into this one. Maybe it had been their insistent nagging of how Kyungsoo should give it another chance or maybe Junmyeon’s insistence of how Sehun’s friend would suit Kyungsoo really well. Or maybe it had been the way Chanyeol’s hand snaked around Baekhyun’s waist and how cold Kyungsoo’s sides felt or maybe the way Junmyeon would smile at Yixing like he was his entire world and how Kyungsoo’s world just felt so empty. 

So here he was, fingers in his mouth as he gnawed on his nails from nervousness. There was still five minutes left until his date was supposed to show up and _technically_ Kyungsoo could still run away at this point. He looked over towards the entrance and longingly watched as a teenager walked out of there. 

Well at least sex wasn’t expected on a coffee date...right?

“Um...Kyungsoo?” 

Kyungsoo whipped around, looking up at the man standing next to his table for two. The man had a fruity looking frappuccino in his hands and a poorly tied scarf around his neck. His hair was cut like the idols on tv and his skin had a bronze shade Kyungsoo rarely saw on the beauty obsessed Seoul residents. 

“Yeah. Um, are you Jongmin?” Kyungsoo asked, offering his potential date what he hoped was a welcoming smile. He didn’t look too bad. He was taller than Kyungsoo, that much he could see, and his style was youthful in a way that reminded Kyungsoo of Sehun. But unlike Sehun Jongmin looked soft and inviting instead of tough and intimidating. 

“Yeah, Jongin actually.” Jongin corrected, sitting down opposite Kyungsoo and offering up a smile of his own. It was white and pearly and Kyungsoo could feel his lips quirk upwards in reply. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Nice to meet you too, Jong _in_.” Kyungsoo replied, wrapping his hands around his plain americano to keep them from fidgeting. 

“So...uh, Sehun roped you into this too?” Jongin asked after a moment of silence and Kyungsoo gave a curt nod. 

“Well actually it was Junmyeon, Sehun’s best friend, who convinced me.” Kyungsoo explained, his eyes trained on his mug. 

“Best friend huh?” Jongin said with a short snort, making Kyungsoo look back up. “I thought I held that position.” 

“Well, those were Junmyeon’s words not Sehun’s.” Kyungsoo said, feeling a little nervous. 

“Oh well their relationship has always felt a little one sided.” Jongin said, letting out another little laugh and Kyungsoo awkwardly let out a laugh of his own.   
A suffocating silence lowered itself over the table and Kyungsoo started to regret not escaping earlier. This was going worse than he had even imagined. 

“That- uh...That was a joke.” Jongin said after another 10 seconds of pained silence. “A really, really bad joke.” He let out a nervous giggle before taking a long sip of his frappuccino. “Can I just start over?” He asked and this time Kyungsoo let out a genuine chuckle. 

“Go ahead.” He said, giving Jongin a nod. 

“Hi. My name is Jongin.” Jongin said, smiling softly. “I haven’t dated in like a year and I’m really nervous because you’re really cute and my jokes are really lame.” He finished with a small bow, a red tint to his cheeks. 

Kyungsoo felt his stomach flutter at the complement despite usually hating being called cute. From Jongin it felt different than it did from other people, more genuine and less patronizing. 

“I’m Kyungsoo.” Kyungsoo started, figuring he should play along. “My friends think I’m a loner because I’ve been single since Uni so they roped me into this date and now I’m intimidated because my date turned out to be really handsome.” He had aimed on keeping eye contact through the whole greeting but he could feel his courage fail him halfway through and ended up confessing to Jongin’s drink. 

It still seemed to work though because Jongin let out a happy chuckle and Kyungsoo heard himself mimic it. Conversation flowed easily between the two of them after that.   
Jongin was a physiotherapist. He had at first wanted to be a dancer but after injuring his back in his late teens he had discovered how much interesting physiotherapy was. He was also a year younger than Kyungsoo, turning 25 this year, and lived only a short ride away from Kyungsoo. He had 3 dogs, a second hand car and the cutest laugh. 

He was perfect.

So when Jongin walked him to his subway station and asked for his number with a shy smile Kyungsoo could only smile and nod instead of rejecting him like he first had planned.

He had it bad. Really really bad. He knew it would never work out between him and Jongin and yet there he was, happily giggling with Jongin as they ordered only desserts for their dinner date, dreamily smiling as Jongin allowed him to hold Monggu on their lunch date in the park, sighing softly as Jongin placed a careful peck on his lips. 

It was wonderful and it was horrible.

During their dates Kyungsoo felt like he was on cloud 9, his romantic side finally getting an outlet after years of being pressed down. But whenever their dates were over Kyungsoo’s stomach would twist into a knot so tight he felt sick. He could just feel their time together run out. With every date they came closer and closer to the inevitable sex and Kyungsoo would either have to break up with Jongin there and then or suffer through and watch as his feelings for Jongin turned ugly and painful until one of them had enough and broke the whole thing off. 

Jongin hadn’t showed much interest in that part of their relationship yet. But Kyungsoo had never been the best one at reading those signals. Jongin was probably at the end of his patience with Kyungsoo. Which was probably why their latest date was at Jongin’s place. 

Kyungsoo was more nervous than he had been in years but Jongin’s soft smile still managed to calm him down. A nice cuddle session with the dogs also managed to lighten his mood, especially when Jongin wouldn’t stop laughing at how excited they were at seeing Kyungsoo again. 

Jongin had planned a homemade dinner and it would have been a great idea if Jongin had actually known how to cook. Instead it turned into a perfect cooking date where Kyungsoo got to show off his cooking skills and watch Jongin peak his tongue out as he focused on chopping vegetables for their stew. 

“I didn’t know editing required cooking skills.” Jongin commented as they sat in front of the tv, a rerun of Infinity challenge showing. 

“Editing doesn’t but life kind of does.” Kyungsoo teased, poking Jongin in the side with his elbow. The younger blushed and mumbled something along the lines of how he usually didn’t burn his noodles. Kyungsoo felt his stomach do a flip as he watched the other. He swallowed with some difficulty, trying to ignore the fact that after today their relationship would probably never be this comfortable again. 

“I can give you cooking lessons if you want to.” he offered. Jongin turned around with a small gasp, smiling broadly at Kyungsoo.

“Really?” Jongin asked and Kyungsoo nodded. “I’d love that.” He smiled, leaning forwards to press a soft kiss to Kyungsoo’s lips. 

“I’d love it too.” Kyungsoo replied, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks by bringing his bowl of rice up and shoveling a too large a mouthful in his mouth. It was unsuccessful and by the time both him and Jongin had stopped laughing Kyungsoo had accidentally spilled another spoonful on the rug.

Once dinner was finished and cleaned up the two of them settled down into the cough again, Jongin’s head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder as he flipped through Jongin’s dvd library for something to watch. It was hard to focus like that, with Jongin’s breath against his ear. 

All Kyungsoo could think of what when Jongin’s hand would land on the inside of his thigh, or when those lips would attach themselves to his neck. His hands were turning sweaty and the knot in his stomach was slowly growing. 

Eventually he blindly agreed to Jongin’s movie suggestion just so the younger would stop touching him. It turned out to be some cheesy rom com and Jongin laughed at all of the bad jokes. Kyungsoo felt himself slowly relax as the movie went on, Jongin now safely on his side of the couch. 

As the credits started rolling the knot returned with full force. He was running out of time. Jongin would probably start something any second now and Kyungsoo had to make a choice fast. Either break it up now, or force himself through yet another sex act and pray to god it would somehow be different. 

Jongin yawned, stretching his arms over his head before not so covertly placing one around the older’s shoulders. Kyungsoo made a decision. With a deep breath he quickly swung one of his legs over Jongin’s lap, straddling him, before grabbing Jongin’s shoulders. 

“Oh, um. Hello.” Jongin said, looking surprised. 

“Hello.” Kyungsoo whispered, hoping you couldn’t hear how loudly his heart was pounding in his chest. With another surge of determination mixed with desperation he moved forwards, kissing Jongin deeply. 

Jongin’s hand moved to Kyungsoo’s sides, warm and soft against his waist, and Kyungsoo slowly moved his hand down to rest against Jongin’s pecks. He remembered seeing others pull the same move and figured it was probably sexy in some way. 

Jongin quickly deepened the kiss, working his tongue into the mix and Kyungsoo tried to focus on reprocitiating. The knot in his guts kept growing and he pulled back for a moment for a deep breath before moving back in and letting Jongin take control. 

He didn’t want this. He really really didn’t want this. But he didn’t want to lose Jongin even more. He could feel his hands start to shake and quickly fisted them in Jongin’s hair, hoping it would hide the shaking. 

In one smooth movement he rocked forwards, connecting their groins together and trying not to think of how this would be the beginning of him slowly starting to hate Jongin and quickly starting to hate himself even more. 

A surge of nausea welled up inside him as he felt Jongin rub against himself and he quickly ripped himself away from Jongin at the same time as the other’s hands moved from his waist to press against Kyungsoo’s chest. 

“I have to-”

“Kyungsoo I-”

They both started at the same time and Kyungsoo shut his mouth so fast he almost bit his tongue. 

“You start.”

“You go ahead.” 

They spoke simultaneously once more and Kyungsoo would have laughed if he didn’t feel like he was about to throw up any moment. 

A long moment of silence stretched out between them, thick enough it was hard for Kyungsoo to breathe, before Kyungsoo gave Jongin a nod to show him he could start. He knew what was about to happen. He knew Jongin was about to break up with him because he was just so awful at this whole dating thing. But at least that was better than Kyungsoo having to break his own heart through doing it himself. 

“There is something I have to tell you.” Jongin started and Kyungsoo dared to look up at the other for a short second. Jongin’s eyes were aimed at a point on the wall somewhere behind Kyungsoo and the older could feel his heart sink even further. Jongin didn’t even want to look at him. 

“I...” Jongin swallowed and Kyungsoo fisted his hands in Jongin’s shirt, not wanting to let go. 

‘I’m... I’m asexual.” Jongin whispered weakly. 

Kyungsoo blinked, at first not believing what he had heard, but as Jongin repeated himself with a little more certainty Kyungsoo could feel relief fill his system so quickly he got lightheaded. 

“What?” He laughed, looking at Jongin with a disbelieving smile on his face. This was the best news he had ever heard. This was better than Christmas and his birthday combined. 

“It’s a real thing you know.” Jongin snapped, hands almost pushing Kyungsoo off his lap but Kyungsoo held on, quickly shaking his head. 

“No, no, no Jongin I know.” He said, still smiling stupidly. “I’m asexual too.” He confessed. He had aimed for it to come out as loud and proud since Jongin couldn’t possibly shame him for his sexuality but his voice still broke in the middle. Every other time he had came out it had always turned out badly. 

“What?” Jongin asked, looking confused. “No. No like A-sexual. As in not feeling sexual attraction.” Jongin explained and Kyungsoo eagerly nodded. 

“Yes. I know. I’m the same.” He said, gesturing quickly between himself and Jongin. He still felt shaky, the adrenaline from the fear earlier and the excitement now mixing together in his bloodstream. 

“Then why were you trying to sex me up?” Jongin asked, looking confused. His hands had stopped pushing against Kyungsoo chest at least, now lightly holding on to both of the other’s shoulders. 

“Because I thought you wanted to sex me up.” Kyungsoo confessed, feeling a little stupid. 

“But I thought you wanted to sex me up...” Jongin mumbled, a confused frown growing between his eyebrows. 

Kyungsoo let out a giggle at how cute Jongin was, his head tipping backwards before his body tipped forwards and he pressed himself against the nook of Jongin’s neck. 

“Are you really asexual?” Jongin asked, arms coming up to wrap around Kyungsoo. 

“Yes.” Kyungsoo answered, his voice suddenly shaky again and he swallowed thickly. He could feel Jongin gently rub his back and tightened his hold on Jongin’s shirt. The adrenaline from earlier was quickly leaving him, leaving behind a feeling of intense vulnerability mixed with security. 

“You’re the only other asexual I’ve ever met.” he confessed, blinking rapidly. Jongin’s arms momentarily tightened around before the gentle rubbing of his back continued. 

“Me too.” Jongin replied.

He did end up spending the night at Jongin but instead of having sex the two of them spent the night cuddled up next to each other. Jongin was definitely as warm blooded as Kyungsoo but neither of them wanted to let go despite the thin layer of sweat covering their skin. Every few minutes they would look at each other and a shy giggle would break out. It made Kyungsoo’s stomach surge with butterflies each time and by the time they finally fell asleep Kyungsoo was feeling more at ease with himself than he had in years.   
When morning rolled around Kyungsoo woke up with a happy smile on his lips. He slowly blinked open his eyes only to find the side of the bed where Jongin had been sleeping empty. With a gasp he sat up, looking around in search for the other. 

“Jongin?” For a short moment he feared the worst. That Jongin had lied to him last night and now he was waiting for Kyungsoo to get out of his flat and life as quickly as possible. He shifted to the side of the bed, carefully placing his feet on the floor as he tried to calm himself down. 

“Kitchen!” Came Jongin’s happy reply and Kyungsoo felt himself relax. He stood up, pulling up the too big gym shorts he had borrowed from Jongin as his pyjamas last night and quickly made his way out towards the combined kitchen and living room. 

“Morning sleepy head.” Jongin said with a smile so bright it made Kyungsoo’s chest swell with affection to the point where he thought he could float away on a happy cloud. 

“Morning.” Kyungsoo sighed, walking over to Jongin and wrapping his arms around the other. He felt Jongin let out a small laugh and looked up. Jongin was smiling down at him, a dusting of flour on his left cheekbone and hair still tousled from sleep. 

“Can I kiss you?” Jongin asked and Kyungsoo’s heart skipped a beat. 

“Of course.” He replied, meeting Jongin halfway in a sweet but short kiss. 

“What are you making?” Kyungsoo asked once they broke apart, looking skeptically at the mixture in front of Jongin. 

“Pancakes.” Jongin replied, reaching for a pan and putting it on the stove. 

“Can I trust you with that?” Kyungsoo teased, taking a step away from Jongin so he could work properly. 

“Yes!” Jongin protested, pouting as he side eyed the other. “I happen to be an expert on pancakes.” 

“I’ll let you get to it then.” Kyungsoo said, taking a step back and watching Jongin turn on the gas and butter the pan. 

“You can take a shower if you want.” Jongin said after a moment of silence and Kyungsoo tried to take a discreet sniff of himself to gauge just how smelly he was.

“Yeah.” He admitted, self consciously taking another step away from Jongin. He didn’t smell bad but you could definitely tell he had been sweating during the night. 

Jongin stepped away from the stove for a short moment to get Kyungsoo some towels and show him how to work the shower before leaving him alone in the bathroom.   
Kyungsoo quickly stripped, casting a quick look at himself in the mirror and feeling his the happiness inside him increase as he saw his own happy expression look back at him. Even in his wildest dream had he never imagined something like this would happen. Whenever he had dared dream about his future with someone he had always thought whoever he ended up with would somehow fix him and make him normal. He hadn’t even entertained the thought that he could meet someone asexual. He had never even heard about anyone being asexual outside of the internet so he had always thought asexuals were so rare he would never meet one. Now he was dating the man of his dream and he was asexual too. 

Kyungsoo rarely allowed himself to be flustered but behind the closed doors of Jongin’s bathroom he let himself muffle a happy cry in his towel as he happily stomped around in a little circle. 

Once he was showered and dressed a chocolatey burnt smell came wafting from the kitchen. Kyungsoo carefully made his way back to Jongin, his used towels pressed against his chest. 

“You doing okay?” Kyungsoo asked, watching Jongin carefully flip over a pancake. The younger jumped, almost dropping his spatula as he turned around. There was more flour on his face by now and several spills of pancake batter down his front.

“Yeah, of course.” Jongin said confidently, leaning against the counter on one hand as he put his other hand against his side, managing to streak more pancake batter down his sweatpants with the spatula. 

Kyungsoo let out a quick chuckle, surveying the scene in front of him. Jongin definitely was a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen judging by the mess. However, the smell from the pancakes was divine, if you ignored the slight twinge of burning. 

“Do you want me to help you?” Kyungsoo asked and Jongin let out a shy laugh before nodding. 

Kyungsoo ended up cleaning up and setting the table as Jongin finished off the last of the batter. The two of them talked about anything and everything as they worked and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but marvel at how nothing had changed from earlier. Jongin was still as carefree and dorky with him and Kyungsoo felt just as comfortable as before. Except everything was different because when Kyungsoo left to go home the heavy knot that had resided inside of him for the past month was nowhere to be found. 

They met up again for lunch the next day, and then for dinner two days later. And then they spent the weekend at Jongin once more, cooking and talking the dogs to the park. 

The weekend after that found them in Kyungsoo’s flat. Jongin was laying with his head in Kyungsoo’s lap as Kyungsoo slowly combed his fingers through Jongin’s hair. It was longer now, to the point where Jongin couldn’t have his bangs down but instead had to part them to the side. It made him look extra handsome. Kyungsoo had briefly toyed with letting his own hair grow to the same length before remembering he looked more like a middle schooler with a bowl cut than an idol like Jongin with long hair. No, he would just keep his hair short. Besides, Jongin had said he liked it like that. 

He sighed, looking up at the TV as the MCs introduced the next guest. One of the MCs was Siwon and Kyungsoo blinked as the camera showed a shot of the female guests fawning over him. 

“He’s hot.” Jongin said, his voice rising slightly as if it was a question. 

“He is.” Kyungsoo agreed, doing the same with his voice. 

The was a moment of silence as the two of them watched the MCs bicker with the new guests, a group of baby faced idols in questionable fashion. 

“You know I can’t really see it but like I just know he’s hot because he looks that way people do when other people say someone’s hot. Like, you know.” Jongin said suddenly, turning around to look up at Kyungsoo. 

The older gave a laugh, nodding quickly as he looked at Siwon on the TV. 

“I know exactly what you mean.” He said, looking down at Jongin with a small smile.

“It’s so weird because he doesn’t look different from Kwanghee for me but it still so different.” Jongin continued, eyes squinting as he observed the two MCs. 

“What do you mean?” Kyungsoo asked with an amused smile, hands resuming their combing through Jongin’s hair. 

“Like they’re both wearing more or less the same things but still it’s so different. Like I don’t find Siwon attractive and Kwanghee just look like a squirrel so they look the same to me but at the same time I just like _know_ there is a difference. Although I’m not sure of it. Like, it’s so weird.” Jongin continued rambling and Kyungsoo let out another laugh at the upset tone in his voice. 

“Why are you thinking about that?” Kyungsoo asked, reaching down to grab Jongin’s hand to stop him from flailing around. 

“I dunno... I just.” Jongin shrugged, suddenly quiet. “I just doubt myself sometimes you know... Like what if that weird feeling is sexual attraction?” 

Kyungsoo felt his stomach twist in discomfort. He hadn’t had doubt like that in a long time. Mostly because he refused to think about it. 

“I don’t know.” He said honestly. “But... I don’t think it is sexual though because for me, it’s something I’ve learned to recognize. It doesn’t come naturally.” 

“Yeah, I guess it is like that.” Jongin agreed, turning over and snuggling into Kyungsoo’s sweater clad belly. 

There was a moment of silence before Jongin spoke up again. 

“Can I ask you something?” He asked, words slightly muffled by the fabric of Kyungsoo’s sweater. 

“Yeah, anything.” Kyungsoo said, looking down at Jongin. 

“What are your feelings about sex?” The younger turned to look up at Kyungsoo who felt his stomach twist uncomfortably. 

He suddenly felt very insecure about himself. Maybe Jongin had been expecting sex all along and Kyungsoo was just some sort of weirdo who thought he was asexual but actually just a defected human destined for loneliness.

“I...” He began, his voice weak. “I’m not the uh, biggest fan of it.” He stated, staring blindly at the TV. 

“Okay.” Jongin said, looking back at the TV. 

Kyungsoo felt his eyebrows rise. He hadn’t expected that answer. He had thought Jongin at least would have wanted some sort of explanation. 

“Is that okay?” Kyungsoo asked, squeezing Jongin’s hand tight. Possibly a little too tightly. 

“Of course.” Jongin turned back around, looking up at Kyungsoo with concerned eyes. “Why wouldn’t it be?” 

Kyungsoo shrugged, trying to find his voice. “I don’t know. I just. Everyone seems to like it so much and when you said it like that I thought you did too and...” He trailed off and finished with another shrug, not wanting to admit he had been afraid. 

“I do like sex.” Jongin said and Kyungsoo suddenly felt the knot return to his guts with full force. 

“Oh.” Was all Kyungsoo managed to get out. 

“Hey no, don’t make that face please.” Jongin said, sitting up and pulling Kyungsoo towards himself. Kyungsoo stubbornly continued to stare at the TV. “What’s wrong?” 

Kyungsoo shrugged, trying to put words to what he was feeling. It was hard to force the words out, to admit to the fear inside of him. Especially after he thought he had finally found someone who was like him. 

“I just don’t like it.” He answered weakly, trying to pull away from Jongin but the other wouldn’t let him.

“That’s okay.” Jongin said with a small laugh that did nothing but make Kyungsoo feel worse. 

“You like it though.” Kyungsoo said, forcing his voice to remain stable. He once again tried to get out of Jongin’s arms and this time the younger let him.

“Yes but...” Jongin made a small frustrated noise. “I like it like I like cake. It’s nice sometimes and sometimes I do feel in the mood for it but it’s not like I can’t go without it. It’s just cake.” Jongin explained, reaching out to gently touch Kyungsoo’s arm. 

“But, what if you’re in the mood for it and I’m not?” Kyungsoo asked, shrugging again. 

“That’s okay.” Jongin said. “We can just cuddle or make out or whatever.” He said and Kyungsoo felt his chest grow even tighter, the lump in his throat growing.   
He guesses he might have been like Jongin once. Maybe before he had had sex, but he thinks he might have always been this faulty. He just didn’t like sex. He knew it felt good, that much he could admit to, but whenever he thought of it he just felt uncomfortable. It was like this whole performance he had to put on and all these expectations he couldn’t live up to and sometimes it hurt. It was just not worth the payoff. Making out was almost equally as bad. He did like the closeness but outside of that, having someone’s tongue in your mouth and their teeth gnawing on your face just made him uncomfortable. He just wanted to cuddle and have that be enough but it seemed like even that was too much. 

“I don’t like making out either...” he admitted quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. He could feel tears burn in his eyes and hated himself for it. He hadn’t cried in years and he would never forgive himself if he broke down in front of Jongin. 

“Then we just don’t make out. Simple as that.” Jongin said softly, pushing a little at Kyungsoo’s shoulder to get him to turn around. Kyungsoo refused. 

“It’s fine if you don’t want to be with me anymore.” Kyungsoo forced out even though it was anything but. 

“What makes you think I don’t want to be with you anymore?” Jongin asked, trying to get Kyungsoo to turn around again. “Kyungsoo you’re perfect. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” 

“Not everything.” Kyungsoo mumbled, fighting back the urge to throw up. 

“If this is about the sex then just forget it.” Jongin said, suddenly sounding annoyed. “I don’t _want_ sex. I said I _like_ sex not that I _want_ it. I don’t care that you don’t like it because I didn’t expect it to be a part of our relationship so if you could just listen to me Kyungsoo.” Jongin suddenly grabbed his shoulders again, forcing Kyungsoo to turn around and look at him. “I won’t _ever_ be disappointed or angry or whatever else you think just because you happen to not like something I like.”   
“But...it’s sex.” Kyungsoo protested weakly. 

“And it’s not important to me.” Jongin said. “Please don’t be like everyone else and listen to me Kyungsoo. I don’t care if I’ll ever have sex again because even though it can be nice that’s all there is to it. To make you happy and comfortable is much much more important to me than fucking ever could be.” Jongin finished with a slight shake of Kyungsoo’s shoulders, looking at him with eyes filled with sincerity. 

“But, what if you get horny?” Kyungsoo asked, breaking eye contact.

“If I get that horny I’ll jerk it in the shower or something. It’s not harder than that.” Jongin said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And Kyungsoo guessed it was but the issue wasn’t really about that it was about how Kyungsoo had thought he had finally found someone like himself only to find out he was alone. 

“I just...I just thought you were like me.” Kyungsoo whispered, his voice cracking in the middle. 

“I mean, I am but I understand what you’re saying.” Jongin said, slowly wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo and pulling him closer. Kyungsoo let him. “There are more people out there like you. You’re not the only asexual who doesn’t like sex.” 

Kyungsoo shrugged, allowing Jongin to pull him closer against his chest. 

“I guess I thought it was a part of it.” Kyungsoo said into the fabric of Jongin’s t-shirt.

“It can be.” Jongin said. “But it’s not for everyone. The most used definition is lack of or low frequency of sexual attraction but it can also be just feeling it for people you have deep feelings for or just a complete disinterest and dislike with anything even close to sex.” 

“I didn’t know.” Kyungsoo mumbled, shifting closer to Jongin. He just wanted to stay in the other’s arms until he felt okay again. 

“Where did you find out about asexuality?” Jongin asked, softly running his fingers through Kyungsoo’s hair. 

“This guy in uni mentioned it.” He replied with a shrug, fiddling with a loose thread on the couch. 

“You didn’t find out until you were in uni?” Jongin asked and Kyungsoo could feel the lump in his throat return. 

“Is there anything wrong with that?” Kyungsoo snapped, feeling the little control he had over himself come close to snapping too. 

“No. No of course not.” Jongin said quickly. “I just... I can’t imagine going that long without finding out. Didn’t you wonder about it?” Jongin asked cautiously and Kyungsoo squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Of course I did.” He replied, his voice breaking. “I didn’t know asexuality existed. How was I supposed to know what I was when I didn’t know it existed in the first place?”   
“Didn’t you google it?” Jongin asked and Kyungsoo just wanted to snap at him to shut up. 

“What was I supposed to have googled? No one likes me and everyone just talk about sex all the time? Whenever I did search for something they just all said I would like sex after I tried it. And then after I found out whenever I search for asexuality everyone just said it was made up and not real so I’m sorry Mr Know it all. I didn’t just figure everything out from googling it.” He hissed, ending his small rant with a sob and promptly pressing his lips together. 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Jongin said softly, gently rubbing his back. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I hurt you I just was surprised.” Jongin’s lips gently pressed against the top of Kyungsoo’s head and Kyungsoo felt another sob force his way past his lips. 

“It’s okay Kyungsoo. It’s okay. You’re okay. There is nothing wrong with you.” Jongin whispered against his hair, arms tightly wrapped around Kyungsoo as the other allowed himself to let the tears fall. 

Jongin continued to whisper soft reassurances in Kyungsoo’s ears, letting him cry until the tears ran out before laying them both down on Kyungsoo’s small couch. It was barely deep enough for the two of them but with Kyungsoo resting on top of Jongin they had enough space. 

Kyungsoo stayed there for almost an hour, listening to Jongin’s heartbeat and feeling the weight of the other’s arms around his waist. It wasn’t perfect. They were both a little too tall for the to be able to lie like this without Kyungsoo’s feet sticking out over one of the armrests and Jongin’s head resting uncomfortably on the other one but it worked for the two of them and that was all Kyungsoo needed right now. 

“You sure it’s okay?” Kyungsoo asked once he felt normal again. Jongin slowly tore his eyes off the tv screen to look at Kyungsoo. 

“Of course.” He said, smiling softly and Kyungsoo forced himself to hold back a smile of his own. Jongin moved closer, clumsily but sweetly pressing a kiss against Kyungsoo’s forehead. “It’s more than okay. It’s perfect.” He added. 

Kyungsoo allowed himself to smile this time, shuffling forwards to meet Jongin’s lips in a slow kiss. He could feel the butterflies in his stomach flutter with happiness, chasing away any remnants of the knot from earlier.

* * *

Kyungsoo furiously ran his hand through his hair, trying to make it cooperate. Instead it just limply flopped down over his forehead, creating that stupid looking bang again. He had been to the hairdressers after feeling his hair was getting a little long and he wanted to look at least somewhat alright for Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s 5 year anniversary of meeting each other (yes, they were that sappy), but he had accidentally fallen asleep while getting his hair straight perm and his stylist had been a little too enthusiastic with Kyungsoo’s request of keeping it short. 

So here he was looking like an egg someone had drawn hair onto. 

He sighed, trying to flip up his bangs once more but with no product in they just lay back down against his now huge forehead. He would never hear the end of this from the others. At least Jongin would be at the party so he wouldn’t be completely alone surrounded by happy couples.

He smiled at this thought, feeling his stomach flip. They had been dating for almost six months now and things were only getting better and better. Any worry Kyungsoo had about not being enough for Jongin had been chased away and any worry Jongin had about not being a good partner, something the other apparently had heard a lot from his exes, Kyungsoo had made sure to dispel. They fit together in a way Kyungsoo hadn’t dared even dream about. It was like they were made for each other in some weird way. Any fights they had were short and easily cleared up and any worries were quickly talked about. 

Kyungsoo felt at ease with Jongin. Like he could be himself. As someone who had always felt he was just a little off with his sometimes 4D personality, his body which weren’t exactly screaming manly unless he spent hours in the gym and his lack of ‘proper’ sexuality to finally feel like he _truly_ fit with someone made him feel so happy he might explode. And all of that was thanks to Jongin. 

So Kyungsoo made sure to do everything he could to make sure Jongin felt just as safe and at ease with him. Jongin who had revealed he really liked cute things and Jongin who loved doing dorky dances when he was happy and Jongin who had a tendency for destruction was a Jongin Kyungsoo would love and cherish until the day he died. Every side of that Jongin.

Casting a final glance in the elevator mirror, Kyungsoo pushed his hand through his hair again before moving out onto the landing. He could already hear the loud voices of Jongdae and Baekhyun excitedly talking about something through the door and Chanyeol’s music system was pumping out some weird bass line from whatever new artist he had discovered. He shifted the bag with the gift from Jongin and him to his other hand, it was some sort of figurine from a game the two of them played that Jongin had picked out, and quickly knocked on the door. 

A moment later the door swung open to reveal Minseok on the other side, a drink in hand that already looked heavily nursed. 

“Wow.” Was the first he said, raising his eyebrows at Kyungsoo’s hair. “Started cutting your hair yourself?” He asked with a grin and Kyungsoo pushed him out of the way with a roll of his eyes. 

“I fell asleep at the hairdresser's.” He said, putting down the gift and toeing off his shoes. He heard Minsek laugh and sent him a half hearted glare, making the older laugh even more. 

“You look ridiculous.” He said and Kyungsoo smiled a stiff smile before letting Minseok engulf him in a one armed welcome hug. Kyungsoo returned it before starting to pull off his jacket, struggling to find a place to hang it among the large collection of jackets already filling the hooks, half of them Chanyeol’s. 

“Guys, Kyungsoo is here.” Minseok called and a moment later the rumble of feet rushing towards him reached his ears. 

“Kyungie! What did you get us?” Baekhyun called before he rounded the corner and caught sight of Kyungsoo’s new hairstyle. Chanyeol was half a second behind him, sticking to his boyfriend like glue, and Jongdae barely a split second after the other. Kyungsoo could hear the other’s come closer but he was more occupied with the growing glee in the three pairs of eyes in front of him. 

“Ahhh! You look like you did in first grade!” Baekhyun squealed in a register Kyungsoo was sure only dogs could hear. The next moment the other was all over him, running his hands through Kyungsoo’s hair. 

“You’re so cute!” Jongdae laughed, joining Baekhyun as Kyungsoo squirmed, trying to push the hands touching him away. Chanyeol was bouncing around behind the two of them, joining in with the comment of how ‘cute’ Kyungsoo apparently looked and how ‘smol’ it made him look, whatever that meant. 

“Yah!” Kyungsoo yelled, pushing the trio away once and for all and giving them a glare. “I’m not cute. I feel asleep and the stylist is an idiot.” He declared, staring down the trio when it looked like they might make another attempt at petting him. 

He loved his friends, he truly did, but all of them together combined with alcohol became too much at times. Now was one of those moments. He’s had a long day at work and then an awful haircut and now he just wanted to see Jongin and not have to deal with people commenting how much he looked like a highschooler. 

“Soo?” Jongin’s voice came from behind him and Kyungsoo immediately felt himself relax as he turned towards the sound. Jongin was standing in the opening to the living room with Sehun hanging over his shoulders. He was wearing a white shirt tucked into a pair of skinny black jeans and it should be illegal to look as handsome as Jongin did at that moment. 

“Hi.” He heard himself breathe, arm flying out to punch Baekhyun a moment later when the other mimicked it in a love sick tone. Jongin shrugged Sehun off his shoulders and made his way towards Kyungsoo with a small smile on his lips. 

“You cut your hair?” He asked even though it was obvious Kyungsoo had. Kyungsoo smiled, feeling shy all of a sudden. He could hear Jongdae awe and punched him too. 

“Awful, isn’t it?” He laughed, running his hand through it again as if it would make it better. 

“I like it.” Jongin said, a bright smile on his lips. He grabbed hold of Kyungsoo’s hand as the other tried to run it through his hair again, letting the hair come to rest on his forehead. Kyungsoo felt his ears grow red, happiness bubbling up inside him. 

“He looks like an egg.” Sehun said somewhere from behind Jongin and Kyungsoo felt his mood sour again. 

“He looks like an acorn.” Jongin said with a bright smile. “It’s cute.” He added, placing a soft kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead and Kyungsoo felt as if his heart would beat its way out of his ribcage. He was acting like a lovesick fool. It was embarrassing. But somehow he didn’t really care because Jongin’s words made him feel like the most important person in the world. 

“How come Jongin gets to call him cute?” Chanyeol protested somewhere from his side as Kyungsoo pulled Jongin down into a real kiss. Kyungsoo decided he wouldn’t honour that with a real answer. It was obvious, wasn’t it. When Jongin said it it made him feel beyond happy and whenever anyone else said it made him feel like he was 16 years old with baby fat still clinging to his cheeks trying to convince his parents not to give him another bowl cut. 

“Because he’s whipped.” Jongdae said and Kyungsoo wouldn’t honour that with an answer either. 

“Your gift is in the bag.” He said instead, indicating said bag with his hand. Chanyeol and Baekhyun immediately dove for it, the latter screaming loudly when he found out what it was and having Sehun rush over to get a closer look. 

Kyungsoo let them have their fun with the figurine and instead followed Jongin into the living room where Minseok, Yixing and Junmyeon were waiting. Kyungsoo happily accepted a beer and sat down next to the glass of orange soda he recognized as Jongin’s. His boyfriend wasn’t one for alcohol except for very special occasions and Kyungsoo had therefore started the habit of keeping his fridge stocked with Jongin’s prefered drinks of choice. 

Junmyeon and Yixing of course commented on his hair too, but none of the comments deserved a punch. Although Junmyeon was on thin ice with his puns but Kyungsoo trusted Minseok to stop him before it became too much. The rest of the group soon joined them in the living room, Chanyeol proudly showing of the D.VA figurine he had gotten and Yixing as usual being completely enamored by it. 

Kyungsoo stayed next to Jongin during the party, listening to the other talk about his day at work and telling him about his own. He had a script he was working on right now which he really didn’t like but the publishers were dead set on publishing anyway. The whole thing had the editing process being tiresome and boring and none of the criticism he had put forward to the author had made it any better. 

Jongin listened through the whole thing, offering short comments of agreement or advice every once in a while. Kyungsoo felt the tenseness leave him with every passing minute and once again thanked the gods for binging him and Jongin together. It might be sappy, but no one other than Jongin had to know just how enamored Kyungsoo was by the other male. 

“I don’t know Baekkie, Kyungie and Nini might have you guys beat for cuteness.” Minseok said, gesturing towards Kyungsoo and Jongin on the couch. Kyungsoo tore his eyes away from Jongin’s smile. The other had been talking about a dog that came into the clinic today and while Kyungsoo didn’t really care about the dog the fact that Jongin cared so much made Kyungsoo more than interested in hearing the story. 

“What?” He asked at the same time as Baekhyun let out a loud whine. 

“They are not! Me and Chanyeol will always be the cutest!” Baekhyun declared before turning towards Chanyeol with a sickenly sweet smile. “Right babe?” He asked, amping up the cuteness even more by draping himself over his boyfriend and almost making the tall giant spill his beer. 

“Um, of course.” Chanyeol agreed, looking over towards the group on the couch with a confused look before bending down and allowing Baekhyun to press a loud kiss to his lips. Kyungsoo pretended to throw up. “What am I agreeing to?” He asked once Baekhyun had released him. 

“That you guys are cuter than Kyungsoo and Jongin.” Yixing explained with a bright smile, a glass of orange juice in his hands too. By now everyone had focused their attention on the discussion 

“Oh, Well then of course.” Chanyeol said with a bright smile, bending down to kiss Baekhyun again and okay maybe Kyungsoo had to admit they were a little cute. Just a little. 

“I dunno.” Jongdae said, a smirk on his lips and clearly just out to cause mischief. “My vote is on the egg couple.” 

“Egg couple?” Jongin asked at the same time as Baekhyun wailed over Jongdae betraying them. Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, deciding not to get involved in the discussion. 

“Yeah, they’re like made for each other. Jongin even loves him after that horrid haircut.” Jongdae continued and Kyungsoo took a long sip of his beer, deciding to ignore that comment. 

“That _is_ love.” Chanyeol agreed and Baekhyun let out a loud gasp. “I would love you after a bad haircut too.” The taller said after a moment, wrapping his arms around Baekhyun and the smaller appeared to melt in his arms. 

“It’s because they’re both loners.” Sehun said confidently. “That’s why I, the perfect matchmaker, set them up.” He took a sip from his fruity drink, looking beyond proud of himself. 

“I’m not a loner.” Jongin muttered. Kyungsoo felt himself smile as he leaned his head against Jongin’s shoulder and interlaced their fingers. None of them were loners anymore. 

“Can you really call yourself a perfect matchmaker when you’ve only ever set up one couple?” Junmyeon pointed out with a teasing smile. 

“The pros quit while they’re on top.” Sehun replied, taking another sip. Kyungsoo let out a laugh at the tired look on Junmyeon’s face. 

“But seriously, you did a good job Sehunnie. Kyungsoo had been single since Uni before you set him and Jongin up.” Minsek pointed out and Sehun basked in the praise. 

“Yeah I was starting to wonder what the whole deal was but turns out he just hadn’t met the right guy.” Junmyeon added, nuzzling up against Yixing. Yixing smiled down at his partner, looking full of love for Junmyeon in that way Kyungsoo used to be so envious of. 

“You really do match each other.” Said Yixing with a gentle smile and Kyungsoo felt his chest fill with warmth. He thanked the other with a small smile of his own. 

“Yeah. Like they’re both loners.” Sehun agreed. 

“And the dorks. And they both love weird movies.” Baekhyun added. 

“And Kyungsoo’s love for cooking mixes with Jongin’s love for eating.” Junmyeon joined in. Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and hid the blush of appreciation for his friends behind a sip of beer.

“And they’re both cute.” Chanyeol pointed out. 

“And we’re both asexual.” Jongin added proudly and Kyungsoo choked on his drink. An icy feeling grew inside of him, making him shift away from Jongin. He hadn’t told any of them that he was asexual. Everyone except for Jongin had reacted badly to him coming out. Most of them not believing him but some of them out right mocking them. He hadn’t dared to come out to his friends just out of fear for that. They had never expressed something negative about asexuality but at the same time they had never said anything positive about it. Or mentioned it at all. 

He slowly lowered his bottle of beer, not liking the silence that had lowered itself over the group. He could already feel their judging eyes on him, wondering what was wrong with him and why he couldn’t just be normal. Subconsciously his hand tightened around Jongin’s, seeking comfort. 

“Very true.” Yixing said with a smile and a small nod. 

“Oh my god.” Baekhyun breathed and Kyungsoo felt his stomach turn. “This explains so much!” 

Kyungsoo frowned. That was not the answer he had been expecting. He looked up, seeing Baekhyun and Chanyeol look at them with large eyes. He turned his head to the side meeting Junmyeon’s surprised eyes and Yixing’s happy smile. 

“It really does.” Minseok added, shocked expression slowly growing into a smile. “You guys really are made for each other.” He sent Kyungsoo a happy smile and Kyungsoo found himself weakly returning it. 

“Did you know about this?” Junmyeon asked Sehun who nodded. 

“I knew about Jongin but it wasn’t too hard to figure out Kyungsoo.” Sehun said with a proud smile, sitting up a little straighter in his chair.

“He hadn’t told you guys?” Jongin asked and the group shook their heads. Jongin’s eyes grew wider as he quickly turned towards Kyungsoo, regret clear in his eyes. “Sorry I-” He begun but Kyungsoo cut him off. 

“It’s alright.” He said, feeling a little calmer now. No one had thrown any disgusted look at them so far and they even seemed supportive. “Right?” He asked, turning his eyes towards the rest of the group and bringing out his best glare to mask his nervousness. 

“Of course.” Chanyeol replied quickly. “Always.” He added with a large smile. Baekhyun quickly chimed in with his agreements, mentioning how maybe, today, just because of this, they could be the cutest couple, before remembering it was his and Chanyeol’s anniversary and deciding that no. Him and Chanyeol were the cutest. 

Kyungsoo felt himself relax as the conversation slowly left them and returned to normal as if nothing had happened. He had never imagined coming out to his friends would have gone this well. He had expected at least a few questions on what asexuality actually was and if Kyungsoo _really_ was asexual. Had he _really_ given sex a chance and _really_ explored weather or not he had _really_ found the right one. Instead all he got was a very happy cheer from Jongdae before the conversation flowed on. 

“I’m sorry that I outed you.” Jongin muttered after a few minutes, sheepishly looking at Kyungsoo through his eyelashes. Kyungsoo felt his heart melt at the worried look in those eyes. Jongin new what it was like. Knew the worries Kyungsoo felt and the fears he had because Jongin had to deal with exactly the same. 

“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo said honestly, moving in to press a slow kiss to Jongin’s lips. “I love you.” He added, struggling against the blush rising on his cheeks. He felt Jongin’s hand squeeze his, reminding him that no matter what, he would not be alone. Not anymore. 

“Love you too.” Jongin said with a bright smile, leaning forwards to press a kiss to Kyungsoo’s lips.

This time Junmyeon did deserve a punch for the completely unnecessary cooing at how read Kyungsoo’s cheeks were.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked the fic please kudos it and leave a comment. I really appreciate it! <3


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